omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
