And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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