the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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