her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
