You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dick very happy bro
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