mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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