I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
