I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
