1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
