dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
