Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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