it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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