Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
