you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
