if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
