I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
