You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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