Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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