Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
