The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
