i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
