DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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