I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
