omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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