Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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