Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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