Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
