Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
