just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
