SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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