Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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