Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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