highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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