This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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