I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
