I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
