I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
