This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
