I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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