I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
