Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
