I am in a vortex of obligation.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
