just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
