Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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