I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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