While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
