I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
