WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
