There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
