didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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